Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
