i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
