I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
