if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
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