One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
