me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
