I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm really busy with my period
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