I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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