I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
