I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
