We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
