he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
