You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
