you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
