miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
