i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
