After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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