Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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