I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
