I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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