1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
