Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
