I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
