i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
