Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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