So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
