Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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