I hate your face
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
