she takes plan B like it's going out of style
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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