Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
