Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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