I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
