Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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