The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
