There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
