My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
