Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
