I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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