Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
