garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Can Purell be used as lube?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
