her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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