I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
