She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Jerry, you need to find god
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
