You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
