i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
So squirting runs in the family.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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