I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize