Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
