dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
