The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize