Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
