Pappa wants mamma naked
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
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