Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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