fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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