Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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