the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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