My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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