as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
