i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize