im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
