I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
