Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
