4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
