eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
