You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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