If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I touched a dick in church today
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize