I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
