Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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