and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
