I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
